My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
