i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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