Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
