His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
