Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
