I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
