oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
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We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
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this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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