It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
