Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
