life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We left the knife in your bed.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
