The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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