Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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