Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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