Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
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I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
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Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Damn victory sex feels great
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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