i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
