It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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