i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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