Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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