So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
