I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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