I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
