Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
