they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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