my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
