Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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