You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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