I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
