Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
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