Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
