just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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