i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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