I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
