like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
