and she was petting her beer can
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
