also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Randomize
