she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
