I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
What drink are we having for lunch?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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