happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
