You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Randomize
