Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
