How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
