I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
