so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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