got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I know her cup size but not her name....
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