but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
