after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
