so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Rumble strips road head = magical
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize