Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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