I wish I could teleport
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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