"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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