she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
