I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize