Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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