The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
