she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Come on in and take your pants off
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