im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
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All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That accounts for only three of the penises
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?