I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
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There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED