I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.