I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
