dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
