Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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