Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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