and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
