Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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